"Actually, the last 3 innings are a real garbage dump."

So I sit here nursing a mild sunburn on both arms and the back of my neck, watching a rather dull Yankees/Red Sox matchup on ESPN. I headed out to the Cell on a bee-yootiful low-70s, perfectly sunny Chicago day, only to be really disappointed with the overall mediocre performance the Sox put on today. It started off pretty encouragingly -- in the second inning, Konerko absolutely crushed one to left for a 1-0 lead, and 2 batters later, Tigers starter Jeremy Bonderman was ejected immediately after beaning Aaron Rowand square in the back, followed by Tigers manager Alan Trammell, who argued valiantly and effusively with home plate ump Kevin Kelley to little effect. I didn't think Bonderman was intentionally retaliating, since it was only the second and it just didn't seem the time to do so (if you're gonna hit someone, why not the next batter?). Anyway, right there seemed to be a big shift in momentum towards the Sox, but they couldn't take advantage of reliever Wilfredo Ledezma (who?), who took the reins for a solid 3-2/3 innings and only allowed 1 ER.

Instead it was another relatively marshmallow-soft start by Jon Garland, who continues to have an erratic season with its share of highs and lows. Today's Jon Garland was The Nibbler, who did not go right after some of the Tigers' weak-hitting lineup and suffered as a result. He walked 3 and gave up 6 hits in 6 innings, letting Sox killer Carlos Guillen hit 2 singles off him and even getting tagged by Marcus Thames (who?) for an RBI double.

Still, Garland kept the Sox in it, and it was 4-2 Tigers leading when Neal Cotts came in to relieve in the 7th. Cotts retired the first 2 batters, and then with 2 outs, gave up 2 walks, one single, and one hit batsman. With the score now 5-2 Tigers and the bases loaded, Ozzie Guillen conceded the game by bringing in Captain Garbage himself, Mike "The Thriller" Jackson. I said to my friend Rob, "I predict he gives up no fewer than 2 runs here," and I underestimated MJ's suckitude by a deuce, as he quickly gave up a spirit-killing grand slam to none other than Marcus "Call Me Sox Killer, Too" Thames. Bam. 9-2, and there's a fight at the exits for people to leave.

At that point, Ozzie really threw in the towel, as he subbed Joe Borchard, Timo Perez, Ben Davis and Juan Uribe for the duration of the game. The sun still shone, but the Sox didn't do anything. Paulie finished the day with 2 GIDPs. Not good.

Please, dear god, can we END the Michael Jackson Experiment?